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Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.   -- Mae West

Fireworks in texas 2005
Mindfulness and Sex:
Right There, Right Now

Mindfulness is downright sexy.

After all, what's hotter than a partner who is paying attention? Being Right There, fully in the moment, is about as perfect as it gets.

So, it comes as a bit of a surprise to me that we don't really use the term "mindfulness" in relation to loving relationships—let alone love in the afternoon.

This should be common, mainstream, slap-your-forehead-and-say-"Duh!" kind of knowledge. I don't pretend to be an expert on what goes on between the sheets (although I did conceive and give birth to four children within five years) but I do know this: it is absolutely completely impossible to have a truly satisfying romantic sexual moment unless you are Right There in it.

Oh, sure, it's possible to experience physical pleasure when your mind is on something—or someone—other than that which shares your sheets. But we're talking about meaningful, connected, one-with-the-universe kind of lovemaking, and that, my friends, calls for Mindfulness with a capital M.

It doesn't have to be tantric. You don't have to master every kama sutra position. It doesn't need to be burn-the-house-down wild. You don't even need any props or helpful devices.

It can be your regular Tuesday night missionary position in your socks and still be ka-ZAM—if you're paying attention.

Oh, and here's a not-so-secret secret: if you are paying attention, chances are good that your partner will be affected and grateful enough to start paying more attention as well. See how that works?

Just as some people expect to have meaningful family dinners with the television blaring, some folks attempt to have feel-the-earth-move sex while conjuring grocery lists or project memos in their heads.

Not possible.

By bringing mindfulness to the bedroom and beyond, you will also bring a greater sense of intention and focus, and your body will do a lot better when your mind is on the same page.

Instead of following those magazine articles that tell you "what do to in bed to drive him/her wild!!!!!" it would be more beneficial to focus on what NOT to do. In other words, do only that which you are doing, and nothing else.

The next time you get lucky, get mindful. Be Right There, fully immersed in your sensations, connections, and loving communications with your partner. Put your whole heart—and mind—into it.

Now, that's sexy.

© 2005 Maya Talisman Frost

Maya Talisman Frost is a mind masseuse in Portland, Oregon. Through her company, Real-World Mindfulness Training, she offers powerful eyes-wide-open alternatives to meditation. To subscribe to her free weekly ezine, the Friday Mind Massage, please visit

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Date of Last Update: 12/22/2005
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